Okay, I've only two things to say about today, and they are rather notes to myself. Here they are:

1: Don't spoil the good times by worrying about the bad.
2: Don't lay your own burdens on others, especially if they have enough on their plates as it is.

That's exactly what I've done today, and I feel very bad about it, which is only right and proper.

I will end this by quoting Aragorn in "The Lord of the Rings": "An ill fate is on me this day, and everything I've done has gone amiss."


Thank you and good-night!

This has been quite an emotional week. Especially Wednesday was very hard. I did something very stupid, and for a while, I thought I had broken something very precious. Luckily it wasn't so, but I felt very shaky there for a while. Even thursday was a bit emmotional, at least the first part of it.

Yesterday, I went for a nice massage. I had given my friend Malin some books, and in return she offered me a massage, that I sorely needed. We also had a nice chat, and I got a chance to tell her all that has happened to me these last months. And she was just as perseptive and open-minded I had hoped she would be. Both the guides I had were good. On the way there, Sofie helped me. I can't believe her little girl is three years old now. I remember her and me discussing baby names on the way to the bus station some years ago. On the way home it was Ann, the same woman who helped me choose Sara. She even asked about her, and remembered her name.

When I came home, weini was still here, but luckily she had already done my room, so I could close the door on the beast, meaning our very noisy vacuum cleaner. I talked to Lulu on skype, and naturally we came to talk about november, which brought on some emotions on both sides. Since I had got up so early in the morning, I was pretty tired so I went to bed early.

I had a nice sleep, but dreamt that somebody came in here and completely trashed our home. The night before I dreamt that my computer broke. Not very nice either of those dreams. I spent some nice time with Lulu on skype, before it was time to catch the subway. We had a lovely lunch, except that there was a family at the next table with some very loud children. They weren't throwing tantrums or anything, they seemed to be very happy. But considering that I had a nasty headache, it wasn't very nice.

Sun and I had a nice talk, and as always, when she isn't stressed or in a hurry, her warm and caring side shines through. I told her about the panic attacks, which really worried her, especially the bangings. After lunch we tried to find a pharmacy. We found one all right, but it was closed. But Sun promised to get me some pain killers, since home help no longer do such things. We also found a lovely shop where they sold all kinds of English food and candies. I was really, really naughty. Here's what I bought: One bag of mint humbugs, one bag of maltesers, one bag of M&M's and one bag of imperial mints. I loved the three first things, and the fourth was okay too. I would probably feel bad for days for wasting all that money, but on the other hand, how often do I spoil myself like that? Not often, I can tell you, and every time I do it, I feel so bad!

My headache was still with me when I came back home, and I could only stay on skype with Lulu for a little wee while, before I had to go to bed for a little nap. I set the alarm, so I wouldn't sleep to long, and when I woke up, Oh joy! the headache was gone!

I forgot to tell that I talked to mum yesterday, and she has finally ordered my cell phone. I'm really looking forward to that, since the one I have now is absolute crap! It will be wonderful to be able to send texts again, and maybe I will even be able to update my facebook from my phone when I'm away. Yay in a box with little chocolate fairies on top!

Here's a humungus survey, that's been copied from facebook.


130 questions? promise you won't lie?

What's the use in filling in a survey if you're going to lie.

Do you get jealous easily?
Not exactly jealous, more insecure, and scared of loosing the one I love.

What are you currently waiting for?
Spring, when I can go to Wales and visit Lulu.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
Unfortunately, I have a tendency to ponder over things that has happened in the past, especially things that have hurt me or given me trust issues.

Do you have nice eyes?
No idea. Nobody has told me so, anyway.

Is there anything wrong with your eyes?
Yes, they don't work!

Have you ever received a love letter more than a page long?
I've only received love emails, so it's hard to say.

Who's thinking about you right now?
The one I'm with right now is, I know that for sure.

Is this year the best year of your life?
It's hard to say. It started off very traumatic, I lost contact with so many people, and I thought I had lost my dearest friend, and it almost broke my heart. parts of this year has been very good, except for several nasty panic attacks, that I'd rather be without.

Which of your friends lives closest to you?
That must be Malin Jansson, who lives in another part of Stockholm.

How do you feel about Diet Dr Pepper?
Anything diet sucks big time. I haven't had real Doctor Pepper for ages, but I remember liking it then.

Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?
Yes. Once Lulu went to check on Charles as he was sleeping, and he wasn't there. She let out a terrible scream, and I thought she had found him dead, when he actually had gone to the bathroom.

Does your bedroom need cleaning?
Yes, but home help will be here tomorrow and see to it.

Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast?
When I was younger, I was very careful, almost scared of starting something, but that has changed.

Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
Yes, even though I don't do it as much as I used to.

Are you comfortable with your height?
I am now, but when I was younger, I was very conscious about it. I'm only four feet eight, and people couldn't keep themselves from commenting on it. Now I'm perfectly comfortable.

Do you act differently around the person you like?
Yes, I think so, even though I always try to be polite, even if there's someone I don't like.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
I know it. *Giggles*

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
More than one, I should say.

Do you like thunderstorms?
I'm not scared of them or anything, but I can't say I actually like them.

Do you think teenagers can be in love?
Of course! Love is no respecter of age, it strikes when it will!

How fast does your mood change?
It depends on the situation.

Are there things that can't be joked about with you?
Some jokes can be very hurtful, and are sometimes meant to be too.

What do you always take with you?
My handbag, and mostly my mp3-player.

When is your birthday?
The 18th of august. But I prefer not to think about my next birthday.

Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
When I was little, my mum found me kneeling on the floor, leaning over the sofa, fast asleep.

Anything on your walls?
Wallpaper.

What do you bite more, your tongue, lip, or cheek?
I sometimes bite my tongue when I'm eating. Ouchy wouchy wa wa woo!

Has a boy/girl called you babe/baby lately?
Yes. Big smile.

Is there something that you want to tell someone but can't?
Yes, actually there is, even though I wish I could get out on our balcony and shout it out to the world!

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?
Of course I can!

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Yes, I can.

Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
You might as well ask if I would like to jump down a cliff!

Does anyone know your passwords besides you?
Yes, one person.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
A glass of water, but I'm seriously considering an ice-cream soda at the moment.

I bet you miss somebody right now...
No, actually not.

Do you have a box where you keep all your important things?
No. Sun takes care of all our important papers, for which I'm ever so grateful.

Can you count past 100?
What kind of stupid question is this?

Would you ever date anyone your parents disapproved of?
yes, definitely!

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
No, I would be completely useless!

Is there someone you can tell anything to?
Yes, Lulu knows everything that's worth knowing about me. I also have other friends, especially Lynn, who I can talk to about many things.

At this moment in time if you HAD to have someone's name tattooed on you, whose would it be?
Ouch! I would never have a tattoo, never in my living days!

Most memorable thing that's happened to you over the summer?
The fact that Lulu and I have become so close! Especially since I thought I had lost her!

Has anyone called you perfect before?
No, and they would lie if they did, because I'm not.

Do your best friends' parents tend to like you?
I've never met them, so don't know.

Are any of your friends taller than you?
Most of them. since I'm only four feet eight.

Name the bands you have band tees for:
I don't have any at all!

Do you prefer the ocean or pool?
give me the pool any day! I would like to go away some where to a quiet place, with only the people I love. We would swim in the pool, or lie on air-beds, floating around, talking, enjoying each others company. On a table by the pool there would be cool drinks for us, and also lounge-chairs to relax in when we got tired of swimming.

Ever liked someone whose name started with a B?
Yes, my best friend from the school for the blind was called Bodil, and I use to hang out with a guy called Bj?rn.

Does the last person you shared a bed with, mean anything to you?
Yes, but things has changed since then.

What's your favorite part of the song that you're listening to?
I'm not listening to a song at the moment.

Ever really cried your heart out?
More times than I can count.

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2009?
No. At the beginning of this year I was a very lonely and unhappy woman. That has changed, thank God!

Do you get good grades?
I did okay at school, except at math's.

Is there a difference between love and IN love?
Most surely. In love can sometimes be a straw fire that burns brightly and then fizzles out. Love is a deep, steady flame that, if tended properly, can burn in your heart all your days.

Have you ever been on a motorcycle?
Yes, several times, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Does it bother you when someone says they will call you and they don't?
Yes, it does! Someone can say: "I'll call you tonight", and then just don't, and you sit there, hoping and waiting, and feel all neglected.

Was 2008 a good year for you?
Some of it was, and some of it I would rather have been without.

Do you think you were raised well?
This is a hard question. My mum did things to me that I find very hard to forgive, but on the other hand, she taught me to be independent, and I'm very grateful for that.

What's your favorite super-hero?
Hmmmmmmm! Thinking hard. Let it be Richard Cypher in the "Sword of Truth"-series. Don't know if you can call him a super hero, but still. He is strong and tough, but also very tender and caring.

Can you say the alphabet backwards?
Oh, for crying out loud, people, what stupid question is this!

What's worse: liars or cheaters?
I think there's not much to choose between them.

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I don't know, really.

Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
Yes, definitely.

Give me a random lyric from the song you're listening to.
I'm still not listening to anything.

Do you like competition?
That depends very much what kind of competition it is.

Do you think two people can last forever?
Yes.

Do you consider yourself lucky?
that also depend what you mean. In one way I consider myself very lucky, but in others, when it comes to health and such things, I don't.

Do you live in a ghetto neighborhood?
No, I don't think you could call it that.

Is there someone that cares about you more than themselves?
Yes. And it's very much reciprocated.

Who was the ugliest person you saw today?
Don't know. I think it's the person within that counts.

Freedom or safety?
Once again a very hard question. I don't believe in doing dangerous things just because you can, but freedom is important as well, so, next question, please.

Has a song ever made you cry?
Frequently, and many. Too many to name here!

Has a book ever made you cry?
Yes, too many to mention.

Is the world crumbling to pieces?
I am an Ostrich, I freely admit it. I have enough problems in my own world. I haven't heard a news bulletin since I can't remember. Things are ok in my world, which is good enough for me.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
I pray to God so! If not, you'll be picking me up with a stick and a spoon!

Your phone rings, what do you say?
Ja, which means yes in Swedish.

Has anyone ever said they wanted to marry you?
One.

Is your birthday on a holiday?
Yes.

Do you always answer your phone?
No, there are occasions when I let the voice mail take it.

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?
Yes. They sure have.

Who was the last person you had a sleepover with?
A very hard question. I think it was Malin.

Is there someone you wish you were still close with?
There was a very nice lady who used to go to a Christian chat room I too went to. Everybody called her auntie Nan. I really wish I could get in contact with her..

Here's a survey I found on my Friend's page this morning. If you don't like to read such things, use your tab key.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
About half past nine.
2. How do you like your steak?
Rare or medium!
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
4. What is your favorite TV show?
I hardly watch TV at all.
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
In a small town somewhere, with all my loved ones around me.
6. What did you have for breakfast?
I haven't had any breakfast yet, but I'm seriously considering a hot chocolate and peppermint.
7. What is your favorite cuisine?
That is a hard one. I love all kinds of food.
8. What foods do you dislike?
Everything with raisins, berries or dried fruit in it.
9. Favorite Place to Eat?
I hardly ever eat out nowadays, but there's a chinese place here in Stockholm where they serve the most delicious fried chicken with curry!
10. Favorite dressing?
Garlic or Rhode Island.
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
I don't.
12. What are your favorite clothes?
I go more for comfortable clothes than for fashion.
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Caerphilly, Wales.
14. Cup half empty or Half full
Half full!
15. Where would you want to retire?
Don't know, really.
16. Favorite time of day?
I honestly don't have one.
17. Where were you born?
In a northern town in Sweden I doubt that any of you have heard of.
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
None.
19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
I'm not doing tagging. I'm just putting it in my LJ and people can just do it if they want.
20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
no idea.
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Anyone who does it really.
22. Bird watcher?
No, definitely not.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Don't know,really. I usually wake up early, but I can stay up very late too, if need be.
24. Do you have any pets?
Yes, three cats.
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
No, I'll keep that one to myself.
26. What did you want to be when you were little?
A nurse.
27. What is your best childhood memory?
The times I got the chance to visit my friend from the School for the blind at her home. We lived miles and miles away from each other, and I missed her to bits when we both were main-streamed, so I was dancing on air when mum told me they had met people from the same part of Sweden who could take me there.
28. Are you a cat or dog person?
I like both, but I would say cat.
29. Are you married?
Yes.
30. Always wear your seat belt?
Yes, definitely.
31. Been in a car accident?
No, thank God. Not more than a minor bump or two.
32. Any pet peeves?
Captchas.
33. Favorite pizza topping?
Meat and bearnaise sauce.
34. Favorite Flower?
I can neither see or smell, so, the answer is none.
35. Favorite ice cream?
Vanilla.
36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
I very rarely eat in fast food restaurants.
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Can't take one of them so none.
38. From whom did you get your last e-mail?
I get mostly listmail. Actually I can't even remember who my last, personal Email was From. Probably Lulu or my friend Nynaeve Shtern.
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Krabat & CO in Stockholm. They sell really good baby dolls.
40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Not that I can remember.
41. Like your job?
I don't have one.
42. Broccoli or Gai-lan?
I hate broccoli, and don't even know what the other thing is, so, next question, please!
43. What was your favorite vacation?
Once again, it will have to be when I visited my former class-mate at her home.
44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Oh help, can't even remember. But it must have been my friend Sun, since I very rarely go with anyone else.
45. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of my computer fan, that I hate, and the voices of friends that I love.
46. What is your favorite color?
Can't see colours, so the answer is none.
47. How many tattoos do you have?
None.
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
I'm not, like I said, people can just do it if they want to.
49. What time did you finish this quiz?
About 12.35 PM.
50. Coffee Drinker?
Nope.

This has been rather an eventful week. On tuesday, one of the cats, probably Nella, was violently sick on my bed. I won't go into details here, since I don't want to gross people out, but by the look of things, she must have swallowed bits of a cassette tape. I don't know why in the name of the light she would do such a thing, since our cats don't normally go for things that aren't eatable, but that's what it looked like. Scared the living daylight out of me it did too. I remember when I was training for my guide dog, I heard a story about a little puppy that had done exactly that, and died of it. I hurried to clean up the nasty mess, but while I was away, Nella was sick again, and did it right in front of the microphone, which grossed poor Lulu out something badly. That, along with my fear that something bad was going to happen to our little Nella, called for a mega-freakout, when I not only cried and screamed things in Swedish, which Lulu naturally couldn't understand, but also banged my head several times on a cupboard door: The one with the metal handle.
Well, all the cats seem to be okay. It seemed though as if Nella was a little low for the first few days, that's why I think it was her. But now she meows and purrs at me again, so let's hope and pray she hasn't suffered any ill effects from the adventure.

Wednesday was good on the whole, except that Lulu had a migraine and I had a horrible ache in my back and legs. When Christer was away, I was on skype with Charles, which really was a good thing. We played anagrams together, until Lulu woke up.

Yesterday it was once again time for a freakout. A humungus one this time.

I was on skype with Charles and Lulu, when I suddenly heard a man's voice calling my name somewhere in the distance. first I thought it was christer, and that it could be something with one of the cats, because the voice was really loud and demanding. But when I opened the door to the hall, I heard that it came from outside. Some men were banging on the door, slamming the lid to the letter-box and calling my name in a weird kind of accent.

I don't exaggerate when I say that I was scared stiff. I could do absolutely nothing but shake and try not to choke. People who know me, also know that I am scared to death of people unexpectedly ringing our door-bell. It's true that this area doesn't have the highest crime frequency in Stockholm, but we're slowly getting there. At last Christer tried to ask who they were and what they wanted, but they must have gone by then. They returned about ten minutes after, but they didn't stay quite as long. By then, I was shaking like a Leaf, and had to take two pills to calm down.

Lulu was fantastic. She seemed to be perfectly calm, even if I can imagine that my big freakout might have worried her. She managed to soothe me, and when the panic pills finally kicked in, I felt strong enough to turn Winnie off and go to sleep.

I woke up after Christer had gone, which wasn't quite the best thing, but nothing to do about it. Lulu had gone to bed with an aching head, but Charles was once again around for me, and we stayed on skype, talking, until Lulu joined us.

I had hot chocolate in my bottle, and still felt so zonked out, I don't remember not putting it back on its place in the bathroom cupboard.

When I woke up this morning, I still felt a bit shaky, but I talked to KK on the phone, and then Anneli from the Home help came. I must say that I like her more and more. She isn't as reliable as Thea or Anne, but she goes that little extra step to help, that they too do, and that makes things so much easier for us.

While she was there, our phone rang, but since she had let loose the beast, meaning our new vacuum-cleaner, I didn't care to take the call. I wouldn't have managed to make myself heard anyway. Whoever it was, possibly KK again, didn't care to leave a message, so I thought I should check my cell, just in case it might be Lulu or maybe Lynn. Well, I still don't know who it was, but I did get the explanation to what happened yesterday.

Obviously, the home help has a deal with a cleaning firm, that also cleans windows, which Home Help don't. I had already told thea that we didn't need that help, since mum always does that kind of things for us. but that information had got lost in cyber space, or wherever information has the habit to get lost, and our home help supervisor, Regina, hadn't got it. So she had, without telling us, put us on a list for window cleaning. the reason I missed that information was that I very rarely keep my cell on, if not to call Lulu in Wales. And a woman from this company had called and booked a time for window cleaning yesterday at three o'clock, exactly when those men scared me half to death.

I called Regina and gave her a piece of my mind. she knows very well what kind of problems I have with panic attacks and stuff, and to be fair to her, she was very sorry.

But really, what kind of company is that, that just turn up, without any confirmation from me, and, when they come, haven't even got the decency to tell who they are! Very unproffessional indeed!

This will be a very short entry. Let me just say that these last few days have been really and truly wonderful.

Sometimes there's a part of you, that's so very well hidden that you aren't even sure if you're ever going to find it. Either you have hidden it yourself, for whatever reason, or somebody else has forced you to lock it up and then walked away with the key.

Then somebody comes along, who is willing to offer time, love and tenderness, to help you find that missing part. When you finally do, and bring it out in the light, you're sometimes lucky enough to see it through their eyes, and you see that it's something beautiful, something of value, that they too can treasure. Then you will be able to smell that rare flower that goes by the name of happiness. And even if times come, when life treats you rough,you always will have that source of secret joy to fall back upon.

I managed to get back to sleep after that little fright, but I didn't sleep very well. I woke up several times, with a weird, sinking feeling that something was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on what it was, and it wasn't bad enough to send out a "Code red"-message, but still it made me feel rather uneasy.

I was very grateful that Christer was up. We turned Winnie on for a while, looking for books, but her whining fan hurt -- and is still hurting my head, so we had to turn her off again after some time. I made myself some hot chocolate, that I drank in bed, and really enjoyed.

Now I'm up again, head still hurting, but too restless to go back to sleep.

Today has been a good day on the whole. Both today and yesterday I've felt at peace with the world, and nothing have really had the power to scare or stress me out.

But this evening I almost had a panic fit. I had hung up -- or rather Winnie hung up the call with Lulu. We were both dead or our noses, and I had the beginning of a headache, so we decided to call it a day, even if Christer wasn't home yet. But I had got a call from him, reassuring that he soon would be home. I turned Winnie off and cuddled up in bed, and believe me, I was out as a light, even before Christer came home. But I woke up about an hour later, feeling as if my chest was caught in a vice, that became tighter and tighter. I had got into my head that it was later than it actually was, and that Christer hadn't come back home yet. I tried to remember where I had put my cell phone, so I could call Lulu, but in my stressed out state, I couldn't have remembered it even if my life had depended on it. Then I heard Christer close the door of the bathroom cupboard, and I breathed easier. But I had to go out and talk to him and hold him for a while, to reassure myself that everything was okay.

It was so stupid! I knew that he would be home any minute, so what in the name of the light did I make all that fuss about!

Anyway, time to read my friend's page and then head off to bed. Maybe I'll have some peppermint tea or hot chocolate for comfort.

I'm feeling heaps better now, after a good, long talk on skype with Lulu, and also a chat on MSN with Lynn. Poor thing, she felt bad about leaving me, but a fit is a fit, and she can do diddli-squat about them. I was and am grateful that I have such wonderful friends to turn to!

I'm now testing another LJ-client. Lochjournal has its advantages, but there still are things that can be better.

It's late at night, but I'm still up and awake, and so mad I'm about to spit nails! So mad I don't even know quite how to begin this entry.

Those who have twitter has probably found themselves unfollowed by someone at least once during their twitter career. I certainly have, and by several people too. Mostly, the reason is that you realize that you don't have so much in common with a certain person after all. For instance: Someone wants to tweet about the latest in technology, while another tweets about his or her family, what the children has done or that the husband has advanced at work. If you're sensible, you quietly unfollow each other. You don't kick up a row about it, or start to throw accusations around you. Well, some of us obviously do!

Some time ago, one of my friends realized she didn't have so much in common with one of her followers, and stopped following her. As did I, I would like to add. But instead of just saying: "Oh, so and so have stopped following me! That was sad." this person sent several nasty messages to my friend, messages that dripped with acid and vitriol.

Well, if this person wanted to cause pain and distress, she definitely succeeded. But unfollowing someone is not a crime, so she has no right to hand out punishments.

Yesterday was on the whole a good day, even if I was, and still am worried about Lulu, who was going through the third day of her migraine. Home help was here, and I went to get the things I had forgotten to buy on monday.

After Lulu had gone to bed -- Poor thing, she sounded totally exhausted -- I sent Lynn a chat, asking if she felt like skyping with me. It was around nine Swedish time, and I still wasn't tired. So we spent a few hours on skype, and that was nice. After that I mixed myself an Ice cream soda and went to bed. I fell asleep almost instantly, but woke up around five, feeling somewhat uneasy. But I didn't want to start my day that early, since it would mean that I would be dead on my nose around seven PM this evening. So I took a hot bath, found my place in the book I was reading and cuddled up in bed again.

I slept for about two and a half hour, the book sttill going in my headphones. And even if I was sleeping, I could hear the narrator's voice, somewhere in a distance. Suddenly she yelled: "Go away! I've put up with you long enough! Don't you ever call again!" And in my confused dream, I got the impression I was in a skype-call with someone, who was saying exactly the same words to me. I felt totally crushed, and tried to pleed with the person I was talking to, but she kept saying horrible things to me. Luckily I managed to wake up, and realized it was only my book. But it felt so horribly real! I was convinced I was in this skype-call, and that this person was saying all those horrible things to me.

Now, I know exactly which part of the book this was, since I've read it several times, and I would never have imagined it would startle me that way.

I know I haven't updated my LJ for quite some time, so I thought I should take some kind of notes during this journey.
We had a bit of hullabaloo before I headed off. In the eleventh hour, the guiding service called to tell me they couldn't help me get home on sunday. That would have meant I couldn't go at all. But thanks to Sun, I am now on my way.

I'm so glad I got to talk to Lulu on the phone. She called while I still was at Stockholm's Central Station. I am going to miss her so.

I don't really know what my expectations are, concerning This journey. Christer and I have known Benny and Chris for quite some time, and there was a time when we used to be quite close. But they have become awfully lah-dee-dah, and we no longer have very much in common.

Okay, my ticket has been checked and everything is in order. It's very quiet here. No crying babies or kids running around, causing mischief.

Okay, only half an hour, and I'm off this train. Yay! I used to know a family in this little town. When I went to the school for the blind, they let me visit them during weekends. It was at their house I first saw David Copperfield on TV. Their neighbors' cat almost had her kittens in their closet, or maybe it was the attic. That same cat bit their daughter Elisabeth once. It wasn't fun, although the sudden yelp she made started me and gave me a fit of the giggles. How old can I have been? Twelve or maybe thirteen.

Today, 28 years ago, I headed off on a journey as well. Yikes, it was that day I met that awfully rude cab driver. I remember being totally freaked out, when I finally met up with Benny, and I couldn't stop crying. We were going on some kind of gathering for young blind people. They ought to have been called young rude people, especially that Gabrielson woman. And the day after, a hinge on the window in our room just broke. Good grief, what a tongue-lash we got, even if we only opened the freaking window to let in some fresh air.

The lunch we got that Saturday was horrible: Fish that was frozen in the middle! It made me feel quite sick afterwards!

Okay, in a little while it will be time to get off the train. I will keep taking notes, and post them in my LJ when I get home.



Okay, here I am, but nobody's here to meet me! Yikes! What am I to do?

Okay, danger's over, I'm finally here, and Chris and I are going to have ourselves an afternoon cuppa, as Clare always says.

Tea was very nice. Now it's late in the evening, and I am full of food and birthday cake! A totally yumskilicious chicken casserole with onions and Mexican spices! Total yumpskitude! Now we're getting ready for bed. Feeling rather tired. Missing Christer, Lulu and Charles, my family.

Saturday evening. Feeling full as a bull after a lovely Chinese dinner and some more of the yummy birthday cake. Feeling rather tired from the panic meds, but trying to stay awake for yet another hour. On the whole, it's been a nice weekend. Chris is still feeling her cold, and have a bad cough, that I hope I won't catch. We have been listening to lots of good music, and they gave us some CD's they no longer wanted, but that we have searched high and low for, so Yay to that! Yay on a stick with bells on! It was quite fun when we listen to a song by a Swedish guitarist, and a certain part of the song, sounded exactly like that little piece: "Rats in the hair don't love me no mare", and every time it came, I started singing that to myself, and confused both Benny and Chris! Heeheehee!

Just had a call from my Sweet One. I do miss him so! I really hope Lulu's migraine will be better soon. It was so good to talk to her for a few minutes today! I don't know how it could be, but I had a feeling she was migrainy today, and she was. I hope my phone call, brief as it was, could cheer her up a little.

While listening to one of Aled Jones CD's, I found a hymn that has spoken to me in a very special way these last days. I want to quote it in my LJ, so I can go back to it and find comfort in the words whenever I need to.

Be Still, My Soul
1. Be still, my soul:
the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul:
thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul:
thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:
the waves and winds still know His voice
Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul:
when dearest friends depart, And all is darkened
in the vale of tears, Then shalt thou better know
His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul:
thy Jesus can repay From His own fullness
all He takes away.
4. Be still, my soul:
the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul:
when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
5. Be still, my soul:
begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy works and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well-pleased eye.
Be still, my soul:
the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Well, perhaps it was only expected, after the horrible panic attack yesterday, that I should have an upsetting dream last night. It wasn't scary or anything, but it made me very upset.

We, meaning Christer and I, had some visitors, some people we don't know in real life, but who I knew I had met online. Among them was a young man in his early twenties, whose name was either David or Daniel. He wasn't rude or nasty or anything. I just remember that he was in the kitchen with me while I laid the table. Strangely enough, we were only going to eat some tinned fruit, maybe pears or peaches. We were talking while I filled the bowls and put them on the table. And all of a sudden I realized there was neither place nor any food left for me.I just stood there, transfixed, with a bowl in my hand, and this young man -- David or Daniel -- said: "Why Helena, it looks as if there's no place for you here." He didn't say it in a rude way, only with a slight surprise, the same way you would say: "Why look! It's pouring down!" And in the dream, I was terribly upset. I remember thinking: This is my table in my own home, and still there's no place for me! If I don't have a place here, where in the world is there a place for me?"

I woke up when Nella started meowing at me for some reason.

But why am I getting these dreams? Some weeks ago it was that dream about being useless, and now I've got no place at my own dinner table!

Yesterday was really and truly awesome. It was great that I, and later even Christer could be with Lulu and Charles on such an important day. The time ran on, and it was about five o'clock here, when we heard the door bell buzz. I would really have hated if the courier company would have messed things up! Absolutely hated if all the anticipation turn into sadness and disappointment. But praise God, it didn't happen!

I took a nap in the evening, chatted with Lynn and Randy but finally decided to go to bed. I slept good enough, even if I woke up once or twice during the night.

At about four, I got up, turned Winnie on and checked Tweets and emails, before I went back to bed and slept until about ten o'clock. Thank goodness Thea comes to do our shopping today. Then the home help supervisor called, saying that she thought I could go by cab every time I needed to go to the hospital. But what she hadn't thought of, was who was going to see me to the right place at the hospital. "Can't the cab driver do that", she most stupidly asked. Well, the cab drivers might have done that about 20 years ago, but certainly not now. So I know how it would be: I will arrive to the hospital alone, not knowing where to go, and have the panic attack of the century. But obviously that doesn't matter diddli-squat to her, as long as she doesn't need to pick up the pieces of me. Oh, okay, I guess 15 hours a month is sufficient, but it was her way of saying things that offended me. Now I feel edgy and half panicky.

Just read a tweet that reminded me that our dear darling Sasha should have been seven years today, hadn't she been electricuted. I still miss her, her love and affection, the big, furry lump warming my bed in winter time, missed her sweet little meow! Rest in peace, sweet darling, I will miss you as long as I live!

Okay, so what is this, people might wonder. Well, I won't keep you in suspense for long.

Yesterday evening, while doing a little of this and that on my computer, I noticed that skype didn't make a sound when my skype chats came through. I didn't think much of it, until Robyn asked me if I felt like a skypage. But When i called her, I couldn't hear a sound: Not Robyn's voice, nor any of my skype sounds. Okay, this has happened before, and mostly when I close skype completely, my sounds come back again. Not this time, though, and suddenly I felt that the milk-shake I had drunk some time before, wasn't at all agreeing with me. Of course, it was the fright that caused it, but I felt almost sick. I couldn't bear loosing skype again, especially not now, when I spend so much time using it. All kinds of horrible stuff started to play over and over in my head, but I still I got hold of one thought, and clung to it with all my might: What ever happens, I can still voice chat with people on MSN. It is still possible. Well, I restarted Winnie, and Praise God, my skype was working again! I talked to Robyn for a while, but I felt totally zonked out, and went to bed and went out as a light.

Things are back to normal again today.

Okay, here I am again, and time for some whining and whimpering.

I called Regina from the home Help, just to ask who was coming to do our shopping. Well, I wasn't exactly surprised when she told us we would once again get Weini for our home help. But I asked her why she insisted on sending Weini to us, when I had already told her of our difficulties with her. She said she had noone else to send. She also said we couldn't deny help from people with different nationalities. But, as a favour -- and this is really weird -- she was going to ask Weini if she had any problems understanding us. So she cares diddly-squat if we get our shopping done correctly, but if Weini has any problems with us, now, that's a different thing. She also started complaining about our vacuum-cleaner, that it don't suck properly. But what can you expect, if that stand-in for a home help didn't put the bag in properly, so the whole machine was full of gunk? But of course, that too is our fault! Heaven help us all!

Okay, this day got a bad start. Yesterday I thought I uninstalled Jawter, but obviously, I didn't do it properly, because the moment I started the computer this morning, Jaws started grumbling and wouldn't start. Okay, that was enough to give me a panic fit. A very mild one, but still enough to make me feel shaky. Well, luckily I had saved the darned program, and could re-install things. Okay, all is well with the world, I thought. Ha ha ha all over me! Ayesha messaged me, asking if I wanted to chat on skype, so I went into a conference with her and Ian. I don't know if her and Ian have something going on between them or not. If so, I'm happy for them. But not since some time in 2008 have I felt so very much like the fifth wheel as I did today. They only talked to each other. Every now and then Ayesha seemed to remember my existence, saying something like: "Sorry, Helena", but then they went on like before. And if I tried to fit in, to ask who this or that person was, whose name seemed familiar to me, or what they were referring to, talking about this or that, the answer was one and the same: "Oh, only someone Ayesha and I know", or: "Oh, only something Ian and I mentioned yesterday". For crying out loud: Either they invite me to a conference, and include me wholeheartedly, or they don't invite me. Period. And since I'm being excluded, I'd prefer that they don't invite me. Another thing that annoyed me was that Ayesha was critiscising Jamie. He is a Sweet guy, and he can't help if he's shy. Defending mode on. If she isn't comfortable with his quiet ways, and him not being so talkative, well, go ahead and talk to somebody else, then, and don't even dare to hurt his feelings and treat him the way you treated me today. So there. Defending mode off.

Today has been an extremely boring day! Not much to do, skype and MSN quiet, except for a nice chat with Lynn. I'm really looking forward to talking to Kay on skype! I hope she can get it to work on her netbook! In that case: Yay and double and tripple yay!

It was so good talking to Lulu thursday afternoon! It's not the first time she has picked up the pieces of this old goose, and I only wish I could help her in the same way! I really hope and pray that I can!

Yesterday was on the whole a very good day. I did something I thought I would never do again: I saw an entry on somebody's LJ, and commented on it. it had to do with that song, "Me and little Andy", that made me cry a river that tuesday! It just hit me, square in the face -- or rather in the heart, and the result was a very weepy wet-goose!

Why I said I thought I would never do such a thing again, has partly to do with KK's comment last saturday, but also with many other things, that I won't dwell on. The result of that LJ-comment was good, and I'm very happy about it. I hope you can bear with my LJ-ramblings.

What was not so good yesterday, was that the home help supervisor once again sent Weini to do our shopping. Don't get me wrong here: I'm not a racist or anything, I don't care twopence for what colour a person has. But what I do care about, is that we shall get the stuff we want from the store. I am not -- repeating: NOT going to customize our shopping, and only buy things weini can understand. If I want a certain kind of food, it's the home help's duty to help me get it! So there!
But the supervisor wouldn't listen, and said I had to do as best I could. Which I did, and almost lost my temper. Bad goose!

When I came back, I spent some time on TT, which was actually fun! What do you get if you put together two daft swedes and two daft English women. That I can tell you: You get sir Archibald Cringeworthy! That was plain down right hilarious! I was trying to swallow some pain-killers at the same time, and almost choked on them.

After that I spent the best part of the evening twittering and chatting on MSN to different people. I also downloaded a bunch of Paranormal books from a site I found!

Late in the evening, Christer and I had a good, long talk while having a hot bath. I mentioned that if he got an invitation from our Swedish friends -- Let's call them Benny and Chris, he should by all means go there. But he said he wouldn't leave me, just in case I had some panic attacks. Bless his loving heart! But considering that he was there to see me through one of my worst panic attacks ever, I see his point, and am very thankful. But that shouldn't hold him back if he wants to go anywhere. And since Benny and Chris seem to have a problem with me, I can't go with him.

We used to visit each other quite frequently, but in the end, they only came here during the summer, staying way too long. And even though Chris can be a very dear person, she has a tendency to take over. For instance, instead of asking me or Christer: "Hey, is it okay if we put on a pot of coffee", she turns to Benny and asks him: "Benny, would you like a cup of coffee?" But I won't have anyone doing that in our home, and if she can't live with that, there's nothing I can do about it. There have been several such incidents, but I won't go into details here, and risk boring people to tears. But they behave as if I wasn't there at all, and I won't have that!

First thing this morning, I had to go to the store to get the things Weini couldn't find yesterday, which was extremely annoying. Passing the subway, I met Ia from the home help, and at least she understood me, and should talk to Regina about this problem. I hope she does.

Coming into the store, one of the assistants came up to me almost instantly, saying something like: "Oh, there you are, Helena, I thought I recognized your coughing." Not exactly something you want people to remember you by, but this time it was a good thing, since I got help almost instantly.